just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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