so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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