Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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