New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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