On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
