listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
