I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
