I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
