Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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