So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
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when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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