I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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