I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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