census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
