I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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