The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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