i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
