Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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