Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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