not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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