...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
