Moan for me like Helen Keller
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
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the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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