FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Did I show you my penis last night?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I am available for nakedness
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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