my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
