you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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