he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
