sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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