And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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