Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
