i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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