I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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