fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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