I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
