I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You are a genius and a whore.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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