true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
