Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
