Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
