I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
