well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
