Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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