It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
