I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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