I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
