i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
