dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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