I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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