my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
