Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
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It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
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Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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