Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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