Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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