Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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