Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
