if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
