so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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